Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Rolling with the Punches: Me and Motherhood

Growing up I didn't have the same dreams most of my friends did. I didn't play "wedding" or think too much about becoming a Mother. Honestly, I never saw the appeal. Even as I got older and most of my friends were getting married and starting families of their own, I still didn't have that yearning to have a child or walk down the aisle. It's really hard for me to admit this, but even as I watched the little pink line appear on my first positive pregnancy test, I still wasn't sure I really had what it took to give this little person everything they needed and wanted. I knew I'd have this baby and I'd love it, but I wasn't sure if that was the path I'd chosen if things had gone differently. I knew being a Mother required a type of selflessness that I wasn't sure I could muster up.

I'd sometimes joke to people that I really didn't like children. It was the truth. I preferred adult conversation. I wasn't comfortable interacting with kids. I didn't enjoy it. I thought I'd feel tied down and maybe even trapped. I'm sure some people might read this and think I'm a horrible person. I'm just being honest. I really want to convey that it'd be hard to find someone as unsure about parenthood as I was. Josh would talk about wanting to start a family and I'd firmly say that it wasn't happening until I was at least 30! I just assumed that as I got older it'd hit me and I'd want a family.

Fast forward to now.

It still baffles me, the path my life has taken, and where I currently am at. I'm a married woman and a stay at home Mom. If someone would have told me 10 years ago that this is where I'd be at age 26 I would have told them they were insane. This is never a life I pictured for myself. It's certainly never a life I thought I'd enjoy. Yet somehow, it's the only life I can ever see myself being truly happy in. I was supposed to start nursing school when Brennen was four weeks old. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I prepared for it. When the time came though, it just wasn't right for me. I couldn't leave him. I desperately wanted to be the one to raise my son. It's been an indescribable journey. I've changed more in these past two years than I did my whole 24 years prior to becoming a Mother. I finally understood the absolute joy everyone was talking about, just from seeing your baby smile. It really is intoxicating. This experience alone has changed my view on life tremendously. I still don't believe in fate or that everything happens for a reason, but I am a more positive person. If I hadn't gotten pregnant when I did, I may not have had the opportunity to be a stay at home Mom. I was in school, so Josh and I were living off of his income already. If I'd been working, it might not have been possible for us to lose my income. There are a million other ways things could have worked out, but the worked out this way. If nothing spectacular ever happens to me for the rest of my life, I really can not complain. This is enough to suffice me forever. I have embraced every aspect of being a Mother. Even the stress and lack of sleep that I never thought I'd be able to handle. I was being prepared for this job my whole life and I didn't even realize it.

My point here is really not write about how much I love being a Mom. It's more about rolling with life's punches. It sounds so cliche', but I never fell for it before this. You can think you have a plan. You can know , without a doubt, what you want out of life and where you are headed. Then, all in a matter of minutes, your world gets yanked out from under you and replaced with something you never knew you wanted so badly. It's a beautiful thing.

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